Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Where is your GOD now????
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]