I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
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Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable