Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
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Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Bed should get ready for ME
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.