I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
what
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this