My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Check your privilege
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.