[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*