Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
the Monday after daylight savings
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.