Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
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10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.