Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Peace was never an option
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge