bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*puts words between two asterisks*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.