random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
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[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.