*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
going to the ER y’all need anything
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.