Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My whole life was a lie.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
…żyje?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.