3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.