I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
🙁
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅