Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
*cough*