If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Easy enough.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up