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If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*