I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”