[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
#growingpains
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.