Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
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The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
waiting for halloween be like:
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
*Inspirational Tweets*
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”