ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
🙁
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS