I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
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*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.