School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
A French press is when you hug naked
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.