My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
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*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?