*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I feel seen
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?