I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going