The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
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All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
🙅🏻
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
listen closely
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.