Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.