Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
You Might Also Like
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.