Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
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burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.