Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
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[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
smartest karate player in the world
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?