Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
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signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
ok this is my dumbest yet
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr