Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
#Caturday
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent