My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
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When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale