Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
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It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
get you a girl who
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic