just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
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If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?