The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
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My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Candles never taste the way they smell
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Okay me first
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.