Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”