Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever