Canada has crack?
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Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*