[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
S/o to @funTweeters .
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.