a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there