My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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😂😂
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.