Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Fiction has to make sense.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic