listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.