Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.