proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
lmfao come on
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Um … Hot Wings please
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.