Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
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If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I wish all tests were things you peed on
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
wtf management?!
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
moms in horror movies