You should be tunashamed of yourself!
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
i- i did not expect this
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
sistine chapel
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand